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I'm Stoned & I Love You

          I sit on my balcony and roll a J.  I’m driving home for Rosh HaShana soon.  I’m driving home alone.  It’s rare that I drive back to the the city alone but that’s what it is.  Usually I drive you back but not this year.  

          I smoke and put my feet up on the banister.  The tobacco buzzes in my brain and I close my eyes.  My thoughts go down different tangents and avenues and for a moment I feel like a disembodied head.   All these tangents and avenues are converging and becoming one single stream that floods me.  

          I open my eyes and I know I am going to drive to your yurt on the farm and bang on the door until you open it and I’ll drop on my knees and tell you that I love you.  I’ll be crying and begging for you to take me and I’m actually crying right now as I think of it.  

          I’m crying?  I love you?  I love you.  I know that right now and I’m going to drive to you because there is nothing else.  

          I stand up and go inside to get my bag and keys and then head down to my car.  I sit in my car and turn it on and know I’m driving back to the city, not to your yurt.  I don’t know why but I’m just not.  

          I turn down High Street and stop at the light next to the farmers market in the town square.              You are there, working, your reddish curly hair glowing in the afternoon, and a yelp escapes my throat and I start really crying.  I love you Jess.  

          I don’t know why I’m so teary but I love you, I know that right now.  If I had any voice I would call out to you, but I don’t and I don’t even know what I’d say.  My insides seem too large to be condensed into words.  I stare at you through bleary eyes until a horn snaps me awake.  The light is green and all the cars ahead of me have already gone so I go to.  I drive away from you and you never even knew I was there, staring and crying because I love you.  

          I drive down the familiar highway, past endless stretches of farm and hay.  My stomach feels nervous and wonderful and sometimes I laugh cry.  

          As I get closer to the city I come down.  My stomach feels quieter.  A little hungry maybe.  I am aware of what just happened but I’m not high anymore and so it has passed.  I’m slightly bewildered by it but if I don’t think about it then there’s nothing bewildering.  

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